Writing a title for this post was hard because I’m going in a few different but related directions. Bear with me because I think they are all relevant.
Don’t Be Scared of People:
Superiors
For whatever reason some people intimidate others. My first boss besides my brother was a zero bullshit taken geologist named Bill. Just about all of my colleagues were intimidated by him. He was tall and in good shape, and his “no taking bullshit” was probably why everyone was intimidated by him. He also showed his frustration in his face and would get visibly upset when people did something that he considered to be stupid. But his goals were pretty clear. He wanted to serve the clients well so that his business could thrive. So here’s the thing that those who feared him couldn’t get. They at times did stupid things, and it would frustrate him. But at other times they didn’t do stupid things (hopefully most of the time or my point is blown). So by being scared of Bill they were always questioning themselves, which led them to do more stupid things. Lesson one is living in fear produces bad outcomes, so don’t do it.
People in Positions of Authority
I’ve found that in an office environment the administrative assistant can often take on an air of authority. They do this because they want people to obey them. The reality of the situation, though, is that that the position is meant to be one of assistance (it’s in the name). And it’s hard to get assistance from someone you feel the need to obey.
The local elementary school has a very overworked administrative assistant. She seems to have neither the energy or the desire to put up with bullshit, and let’s face it with all the parents at an elementary school she probably gets a ton of bullshit thrown at her. My wife has defaulted to treating her the same way Jerry Seinfeld placed his order from the Soup Nazi.
While I certainly appreciate the fact that my wife does not want to add to the workload of an already overworked human being, there are times where it is legitimate to need to request something and having fear about making the request is not helpful to her needs.
I have found that if you show no fear to these people generally what you find out is that they are really nice. Sometimes you have to break down that tough exterior to find that out, though.
Never Assume a No
At work
Back to my first job… The work required frequent overnight trips to job sites in Gettsburg, PA. There was a nice woman that built a few single room cottages on her property and ran a bed and breakfast. This is where everyone stayed. I believe it was because Bill liked it there but I don’t really know why.
This was the year 1999 or 2000 and while the purveyor made a nice breakfast I hated staying there. She only had one phone line for all the rooms. This was during the age of dial up internet. So for me to get online it meant that no one could use the phone!
So I asked a co-worker why we stayed there, and really it was a tradition that everyone assumed was written in stone from above. But I was new and I decided to ask if I could stay in a normal hotel. I was told yes, and then everyone else also wanted to stay at a regular hotel (not sure about Bill since he wasn’t making the trips with us). But imagine that everyone who worked there for years “assumed a no” and thus the management assumed everyone was happy about the arrangements.
At school
My wife and I had an argument today, which is actually what spurred me to write this post. For whatever reason my kids want to wear shorts to school even when it’s cold. I would prefer that they dress appropriately, and my wife demands it. But apparently the school can be pretty warm, so my oldest son asked if he could wear shorts underneath and then take the pants off at school. I’ve got no problem with that. But my wife does. She thinks it’s unnecessary and she thinks it may annoy the teachers. I personally don’t think school should be about mostly about obedience and conformity so my opinion is he should be able to do it. If for some reason it annoys the teacher then ok it’s not something worth fighting over. But ironically we got into a fight at home about it because I don’t agree with my wife. I like that my son proposed a solution that would satisfy both his desire to wear shorts and our desire for him to dress appropriately. I like that he’s isn’t assuming a no from the school or from us. My wife certainly wishes he would assume a no from us, but negotiation has never bothered me and I believe it’s best to practice the skill at home.
Question Everything
At work
My last job before working at 80sTees full time was as a sales engineer at a division of Parker Hannifin Corporation. We served all of the USA, which meant that we had customers who were 3 hours behind us. Since we serviced distributors we had very few touch points, and most of our customers in later time zones didn’t call after 5 PM EST. But in case they did we would assign one sales engineer out of 8 to stay late. You owned a week straight of staying until 8 and then you didn’t have to do it for 7 weeks. After a few times of staying late and missing an entire week of evening activities I pointed out that I had only ever received 1 call and it wasn’t something that needed to be urgently replied to. Everyone else shared a similar story. So because I questioned why we were doing something that made little sense we quit doing it!
In life
There is immense pressure, especially on women, to keep up with the Jones. Bobby does boy scouts and wrestling and volunteers at church. Frequently it is a sports schedule that is absolutely ridiculous. And as a parent I can tell you that the FOMO is real. Will my son be behind because I didn’t have him in every sports league. Or even will my son be able to have friends when all of his classmates are constantly at some sort of sport? I can tell from firsthand experience that we had a tough time finding a time that his friends could come to a birthday party.
This is where you really have to question yourself. Are my values the same as these other parents? Who is deciding that it’s reasonable for parents to travel all across the country for youth sports? What is the end goal here? What effect will this have on our family? On our health? Why are we opting in to this? These are all very important questions to ask about lifestyle before you allow yourself to get sucked into the vortex of child athletics.
What about lifestyle in general? How many people have chosen a more expensive house and lifestyle at the expense of having both parents work full time jobs? The house is empty much of the time because the parents are working or taking the kids to some activity. What is the end game here? Are people questioning themselves?
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Like most of my posts this one is really for me. Please don’t feel judged if you read it. The truth is I’m dangerously close to getting sucked into the vortex of child athletics. Another truth is that the traits I describe here bring my wife great stress because they go against her upbringing. But I want my children to have success in life. I’ve experienced and seen it many times in others that these traits are more likely to lead to success than their inverse. I wouldn’t want to change this part of my personality if I could, but I acknowledge that others don’t always like it. So this isn’t a post about getting along with others, if anything this may bring you greater stress in life. But the juice is worth the squeeze.